Adulthood Part 1

When I see you I run to you. I say, "Hi. How are you? What are you doing? What did you get?" When I see you I smile at you like you're an old friend. I am too friendly towards you. I am so conscious of this, I even have been from the first time I met you. I went up to see you after and said dumb things about your name just for conversation's sake, but there was no reason for us to converse. I felt so stupid and went back to my pen and stood leaning and often looking at you, where I would later stand nightly, and with a pen in my hand, be unable to refrain from drawing your face that came naturally to the paper.

It's like when you come to see me, to eat, what you're really feeding on is that paper, in this pen, this feeding pen with me.

On the road again

I just watched The Road for the second time but properly, from the beginning to end, and I can't sleep. I'm scared, the way you would be after you watch a horror movie but this is worse because it's real. Well... what I mean is that the horror in The Road, a short story written by Cormac McCarthy, is derived from how believable it is. When the film's MA15+ rating of 'strong violence' and 'strong themes' came up it was the most foreboding warning I have ever seen. So the film follows a father and son living in an unexplained post-apocalptic world that's cold and grey.

The crux of it seems to be a chase of humanity in our world... actually I felt myself hoping to find some humanity in the film but it's pretty bleak. If you ever want to watch a film that will induce suicide... THIS IS IT. Actually please don't watch it with the pretense of killing yourself... cos ya will, it's that depressing. Speaking of killing yourself, the film seems to present the idea of suicide an option to avoid struggling for survival and living long enough to see a world devoid of humanity but I think it's the most depressing that it seems to be an escape from a somewhat inevitability of becoming inhumane, no longer one of the "good guys". I mean the Dad tells his son they're the 'bearers of the light', let's go back to some good ol' school time lit with Hoddy now, (Heart of the Dardiest Darkness) so they live with a hope of bringing civilisation to the 'coast' they're travelling 'on the road' to. Ahhhh I can't get over how depressing this film is, I may be exaggerating now out of sheer fear, because their travelling seems to be very futile and their brutal journey of survival seems to be for.. survival itself? There's nothing at the end of the road!!!!!!!! Stop when you can. Don't even watch the film... (so many dot dots in this post cos I'm ponderin' life and ponderin' seems to lead to ambiguity in life! Yay!)

There's this one scene in the film that I wish I'd never watched, my sister already told me about this one scene and when it came I was going to fast forward but I didn't. The whole film is depressing and incredibly bleak from beginning to end. I swear the only moments that weren't was one scene where the father and son find food, then another when they find a coke can which comes under the same bracket I guess. Actually, there were two other sweet moments in the film (sowee, very insignificant spoiler alerts coming atcha), the first is when the boy sees another young boy and chases after him. The second is when the boy is walking with an old man they've just bumped into and holds his hand. Don't get too giddy, these scenes are very shortly followed by his father being a big ol' meanie, who seems to have lost all trust in human kind (can you blame the poor man), stopping his childish imaginings. Ahhhhhhh I'm already getting all.. funny about it. Which just means the feelings of futility of life the film has given me is going away, which in itself is depressing because I'm like a mindless freak going on with my life.

Ok. That's all for now I think. I'm going to go cuddle with my dog and my sister for some comfort.

14 year olds can be dirty!!

So I've been cleaning my room and came across some 'creative writing'...

"The weirdest thing that has come out of my vagina, like some sort of thin skin covering a pinky nail sized baby. I poked [it] with a pen and blood spread around it. It was like it died, but how can something dead die."

OoOo cliff hanger from 2007?