I pity the fool

Your thighs must be thinner than the bars of your prison cell.

Thinner than your existence.

Bile and bones,

almost as glamorous as your reflection.

You are what you eat.

Nothing.

I don't know where all my shit is

To the arse hole it may concern,

You are an arse hole.

You have this hole in your body where all this SHIT comes out.

It's you're mouth!

I still kind of hate you.

Kind Regards,

Arse Hole Lover.

You and you... come back to bed

I knock on your house door. You mother and sister answer and quickly pass by me as they're leaving. They suggest I go see you first instead of someone else who temporarily was staying with you in your house. I wasn't even intending on that, but I nod as though their idea has guided me. I walk into your house and am immediately in a corridor. I worry that I'm not wearing perfume, or that if I am, not enough.
I know your house, and this isn't it. I pass a closed door with running water behind it. A-ha! There's the guest, she's showering. The next door is yours. It's a sliding door, again different. I look behind myself because I'm unsure if I am correct, you mother and sister tell me it's your room, then they leave, as they should have already.
When the door's open you don't notice. Your carpet flooring, which you may or may not actually have, is soft beneath my silent, brand new sneakers. I'm not creeping but rather flowing into your room. I don't know this, however I do because you explain to me after, but you sense me. It's an instinctive thought which you disregard and don't react to.
Now I'm at the foot of your bed. Now I'm on your bed. I lay beside you and you roll over to me. You put your arms around me. You are so happy and accepting if not delighted. I can't express what this means to me. I can't reason how perfectly comfortabley we fit together. We talk and you explain how your senses picked up my scent. I remember how I wasn't wearing perfume and smile further.
A small burst, a distant bomb, then you're gone. I hear christian music alone in bed. I move the jersey from the clock knowing exactly what I'll uncover. A-ha... that's my number being called. I prepare for war, the war I shouldn't be fighting.
Later I'll think of these bloodied grounds and tempestuous waters as a glass case, holding us preciously outside of Exmoor. We journeyed within the case with a fear for any cracks. We weren't trying to leave. I cannot possibly explain the kinds of romance I mean of this and in this.
However I feel, despite the dominating gravitational pull, It's a tragedy. Definitely.

Clueless

I wish getting good marks was as easy as setting up two teachers. Studying would probably be easy actually. I am completely disheartened about exams. My throats tightened. There are not enough hours in a day. Thus why I'm writing a blog about it.

Seamus Heaney, why are you raping me?

Why not let me embrace you?

I could be the girl for you.

The land of your dreams.

Your blog queen, your blog body and you could be my bloggand man.

This made me smile

My family were talking about this time when someone they knew rocked up in an old Ferrari and how everybody stopped and starred. My Mom said to my dad, "However it wasn't even a very nice Ferrari was it?" to which he replied, "No it wasn't really."
"Then why was everyone so interested?"
"Well even though Sofia Loren is now in her seventies, she's still Sofia Loren. You can't take your eyes off of her."

You and you... go back to bed

You laid down next to her and she thought she was alone in your bed. There was a gaping distance between the two of you. She never moved but she felt you there. Suddenly you were there, spoon behind spoon. She remembers the coldness of your soft arm against hers. She remembers contemplating a reaction but again, she never moved. You never groped her, you only crossed her body in passing. Reached for her sternum, not her breasts. You crossed them in passing.

Well then don't come to my funeral

I am always late and I hand in everything late.

I don't study until the late hours or during the day of the test.

I am organised in theory but not in practise.

I eat shit. I don't exercise.

My room is messy and so is my hair.

Sometimes I forget things completely.

Probably because I put everything off and am put off by everything.

I'm good at finding flaws. I'm also great at complaining.

I try but I fail, doesn't mean I haven't tried.

I'm shit. I get it but I can face this reality by myself and not with every other person breathing down my neck. I know I'm digging my own grave but fuck off you're only a grim reaper.

Errrrr I'm gonna suck some sleepless cock

Dirtbags been going to bed at like insanely childish hours lately. I have a secret theory that Dirtbag is living a double life as a stripper saving up for uni fees OR perhaps just has another blog that they constantly post on throughout the late hours till dawn. Yeah anyway she's in a pretty enviable position because damn she's sleeping and I am not. It's currently 2.55am as I write this, I am watching How I Met Your Mother and eating cereal. I'm not very tired but theres a pretty good chance I will be tomorrow. I'm gaining this really shit habit of doing nothing throughout the day/afternoon/night. I pretty much start any work at about midnight. I think the reason I stay up late is that because I can never do work early in the morning because I have no will power to wake up early to do work. So instead I stay up late to do work BUT I have this weird sinking panicky feeling if I ever look at my work in the eye so I just keep on putting it off. I go on Facebook but mostly I waste my time on blogs, YouTube and online shopping. Yes don't tell me all about (DAMN I just silently freaked out because I thought someone just woke up but it was my dog. ) the negative things about lack of sleep because I just fucking googled it and found the following:

In general, the effects of sleep deprivation depend on the type of sleep disorder from which you suffer. However, some of the more general effects of lack of sleep include:

• blurry vision
• depression (While depression can cause a lack of sleep, it can also arise from sleep deprivation.)
• dizziness
• dramatic weight loss or gain
• hallucinations
• heart disease
• hypertension (high blood pressure)
• irritability
• memory loss
• nausea
• tremors
• trouble speaking.

I'M GOING TO BECOME A BLIND, CRYING, DELUSION, POSSIBLY FAT OR SKINNY, CRAZY, HEART ACHING, MOODY MESS WITH SHIT MEMORY AND THE SHAKES BUT I WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ANYONE BECAUSE... I WILL HAVE "TROUBLE SPEAKING".

aaaaaahhhhhhhhh i think i may kill myself. OR let this lack of sleep kill me instead.

The following post is not about you

If this was another time of the day then I could tell you a lot of negative things about teenage relationships but right now it's all I can be thinkin' of. I just watched Cadillac Records and at the end Beyonce as the young Etta James sung I'd Rather Go Blind. Watching it you're like, ooohhh no that line! it's about his wife! and that other line, its about him! no no no no, etta james let me cradle you. she keeps looking back at Leonard Chess played by Adrien Brody with these tears welling up in her eyes, then he walks out but he pauses just before he leaves the door and she just has tears streaming down her cheeks. Anyway, that's probably my favourite scene in the film. That song is so god damn good, it got me thinking. I realised having "things" with people "casual" things, the whole idea of "dating" and not being tied down is pretty simple. Perhaps at one end its keeping your options open, wiiiiide open like an impressionable girls legs who thinks you're the one for her just before you fuck her and fuck her over. You tell that boy you can't commit but really it's cos you don't care enough or are waiting for something better to come along? A little 500 days of summer? In the song, she sings "I would rather go blind boy, then to see you walk away from me". to me, that was like cutting your loses in a relationship to avoid the pain which funnily enough hurts more you more than anything. oh etta, you walk another way but you'll end up at the same dead end.

Don't we just want to lie next to someone or feel the weight of someone on top of us - bear that weight. hold hands. kiss. find some throwdown. hair to run through. light at the end of your tunnel.

winters coming. feels like ice. i have a feeling this is going to be a long winter. we all better find someone to share a blankey with. if you have someone already, keep them in your bed for me.

Flying a Kite

Dear charming kite, do litely bite the foggy fields, the lowing lanes, the rickety roads and the kneeling plains.
Oh lazy light with massive might you dare my dream of snowy cloth felt snapping white as albatross is bitten by the wind and rocks, is hushed into the clary moss, is ushered here to count his loss.
My kite; pale cotton, willow cross- you take my tattered fist, It's like a catalyst. It's like a roiling writhing wall of 'has it come to this?'.
If this is medicine... It tastes like medicine. Just help me get it in...
Flying a kite, Flying a Kite.
Oh gnarly night it's like a dog fight, it's like a cat fight and if i could just hold you close to me... I guess I hold you close to me. It's like a bull fight and i see i give you a piece of my mind but i'm giving you a piece of my mouth.
You blushing boys how could you be so blind?
Flying a kite, Flying a Kite.
Look at my kite fly over foggy fields, the pungent pines, the verdant veils, the vapid vines and the thousand purple cups of wine. The tearing teeth and the four full tines, the crumpling feast and the dawdling dine. And you do get me off the floor, stand there staring for a minute like you never saw a girl before. There is the door.
And like the streets are like an open mouth I head south and you stand fair and square and i stand there until the fall blots me out. There is no more. The cat and mouse to block the door. There is no more

Love it when...

I take a bath 5am in the morning and fall asleep. Even better when I fall asleep in bed without underwear on because I'm too tired to find any.

This one time in nam...

I went parasailing with my brother when I was in Vietnam during the summer. I just remembered what was the most ultimately embarrasing few minutes of that whole holiday. I had brought two pairs of bathers and I was wearing an old pair that day because my new pair was wet and I hate wearing wet bathers. Anyway, this pair is kind of flimsy when it comes to staying on. Parasailings the one where you're in a harness and are reaally high in the sky following a speedboat thang, it's pretty boss and not scary at all. When we came down there were two guys who helped us get out of our harness and life vests and as I was taking off my life vest I looked down and realised my mother fucking top had come down during the parasailing and exposed my upper region... Generally it's not really that embarrasing, boobs etc. whatever. BUT in this situation my body went red hot and I covered up in sonic speed. The guy looked away really quick and was not seedy at all although he was old... and seedy looking but don't judge a fruit by its inner seediness. Anyway, it was a combination of feeling visually violated and how fast he looked away (politely) that made me feel so embarrassed.

AHHHHH this still makes me laugh now, it just popped into my head.

Early mourning

I forgot that I missed someone but then it just came to me. Even when I was in the moment, telling myself that I wouldn't take it for advantage I still did and now I wish I'd tried harder in keeping it in my mind. Now I know ya never been around in the first place and I kinda wish you were.

No whammy like a double whammy.